For several months I’ve been told a certain person is not so great. When I accidentally said something that appeared I agreed with the one telling me these things, I was thought of as callous and ugly on the inside. My intention was never to offend, but the party involved was feeling sensitive about it and it appeared a lot worse than it really was. I wanted to say look, I can’t read your mind and know you’re feeling sensitive about it, or that you’d had a change of heart over this person. I have no way of knowing these things, but regardless I told the party involved that I can see how it looked and why it would upset and I am sorry. I explained what I’d meant but the hurt from having my integrity attacked in defense of someone I’d been led to believe wasn’t so great persisted. When I tried to explain this, it all came out wrong. Unlike me, I couldn’t find the words and stumbled over my point until it became about something completely not the point. Embarrassed, I just chalked it up to me being a chick and needing reassurance. What a stupid thing to do on my part. First, there isn’t anything wrong with needing reassurance, especially when it’s on such an incredibly rare occasion that I request it, but secondly I didn’t even get my point across and it left both parties of the conversation frustrated. I’d thought we’d passed it and that I could just forget it and move on, but the other party wasn’t done being pissed off at me and has since taken to pointing out their disdain with everything else I have done since then. I was accused of being childish, irrational, and making drastic reactions.  I can see based on my stupidity with giving up on what I really wanted to say, how it would appear that way. But the delivery of these attacks on me were all in the form of someone being exactly what they are accusing me of. They also were delivered at a random point of day that just happened to coincide with something else major going on in the form of my neighbours pounding on my door and screaming at me for some trivial bullshit I actually had nothing to do with. Very bad timing. 

I don’t want this person not to feel, I don’t want them not to be able to express themselves. I just wish they could do it without attacking me. I just wish they could realize that what I said is not the entire issue; if this person wasn’t feeling bad for other things, my offenses would hardly appear to be offenses at all. Instead, I am left subject to every move being questioned and my being insulted as a result of that person’s opinion of the situation. I could just ignore it, but the person means a lot to me for one, and for two the attacks come when I least expect them. Hard to ignore something you can’t see coming. If I try to explain my side I am accused of trying to shift blame. I sincerely cannot win in a battle I never chose to fight. So I decided to turn off my social media so I can focus on other parts of my life, ie I need to find a new place to live. When I did that, the result was the drastic reaction accusation. So, what else can I do?

I’m failing at life whether I try or not.

I’m a person who has feelings too. Hurting them because you are unhappy won’t fix anything. No matter what you feel I’ve done, that is not how to get your point across and it is not how you solve things.

How do you verbalize to someone that you’re terrified to make a mistake? The misunderstanding was cleared up. The conversation allowed that person to understand that what they thought was someone being deliberately inconsiderate was very unintentional. The person was allowed to say sorry for their thoughtlessness and was forgiven. But prior to the chance for a defense, a punishment by retaliation in the form of hurtful words was delivered harsh and left a lingering sting still felt now. When the air was cleared for the one party’s side, the other party was still hurt not only by not having been given the benefit of the doubt that they feel has been earned; but by the very painful blow delivered.

 So, while this person treated guilty until proven innocent is no longer viewed as the criminal, the punisher still doesn’t understand that they caused pain too. 

If you punch someone because you thought they deserved it, then found out they didn’t, would you not say sorry for the hit?There may still still be a black eye and possible scars.

The hurt party remains hurt while the other party now feels better.

Tears are still flowing from this entire scenario.

But how do you verbalize that now the other party has said they feel better and moved on?

I first met Tanya when we were 3 years old. She informed me we were going to be friends and I didn’t really have much choice. That was always her way. Tanya was a go-getter. We were very close for many years through adolescence throughout our teens. We lost touch after high school but I thought of her often. Several times I tried to find her but no one I asked was able (or willing) to be helpful. It wasn’t until this past year that her sister got in touch with me saying Tanya had been asking about me and she had been updating her with what she knew via Facebook. I thank you for that very much Crystal. 

I’ll never forget all the silly things that would be meaningless to others, but are great memories for me. Times of childhood ridiculousness to rebellious teenage debauchery. Oh what things kids will do when unsupervised..  

She lived on the outskirts of town and we’d often pull all nighters and sneak out after dark. Of all the things to do.. I remember us dancing in the middle of the night, in the middle of Highway 11!! Singing Spirit int he Sky at the top of our lungs. We were completely sober. 

Tanya had a glowing personality and one of the brightest smiles I’ve seen to this day. She possessed a wicked sense of humour that kept us laughing uncontrollably for hours.  She was also incredibly beautiful as I remember her, and a lot more intelligent than she ever got credit for. She really was dealt a crap hand in life and I struggle to bite my tongue less I ruing a period of mourning for those who “loved” her. I’m just thankful she had her sister.

We may have grown apart after high school but you were still on my mind. I pray you finally found the peace you never had on Earth my friend. 

xxx

I wasn’t a wise monkey :( 

I’ve always done for others. Looking back on my life I am trying to think of the things I have done for myself. 

I quite smoking when I was 20 and with the money I saved I wen ton vacation to Cancun. First vacation, as well as the last one I have ever taken. I went with the guy I was dating at the time. While there he told me I should be careful how much I enjoyed the cuisine because he didn’t want me to get fat and he left me at the airport in Toronto when we got back because I had gone through customs first. We lived in North Bay at the time. It was March..back when we still had winter in March. 

I moved and went after my desire to be a stylist. That’s a career choice though, not a splurge of any sort so I suppose this doesn’t count. 

I bought clothes! Mind you… this was because I had lost a lot of weight and nothing fit me anymore.. most of the stuff I had before that was donations..  ok this doesn’t count. 

I am often guilted about my Burlesque..I would say that would be something I did for me. But that too is a career choice and it generates an earning, so no that does not count either. 

I have done nothing for myself in 14 years. Everything I do is for others, and most are not worthy of it. The only one who truly is, is Kitten. Given that I try my best to be fair, honest, and sincere, and that is often taken for granted or unappreciated, I think I’m due. 

I’m going on a vacation. Fuck it. 

The answer to this is in my blogs. 

Being sick all week, returning to work despite my still feeling horrible, playing catch up.. and today has to be the day of irate customers yelling at me about shit that went down while I was home sick! One even decided to go as far as send a nasty email asking where I got my education, insulting my intelligence, calling me ignorant and insisting she is superior to me.. over what? She did not like my signature.. the one the bosses wrote. Apparently I’m just being moody though, all of this in combination isn’t anything to put anyone in a downer mood. Being under a microscope doesn’t help much either. 

Yeah.. today can fucking die. 

A while back I posted a screen shot of a discussion that triggered a debate. It was the one about letting your daughter go out with boys who are drinking if she looked like a slut. The point of it all was that we should not be blaming the victims.. Recently a woman decided to post her opinion about how women should not dress provocatively, and are equally responsible to not entice men to rape them, because “nobody likes a hoe.”

I responded by telling her she had done women an injustice by calling another woman a hoe, that just because she didn’t like how a woman was dressed did not make the other woman a lesser being. I said it was better to just say she didn’t like what she saw or to look away, but to insult her because she differs from your liking is not the answer. I said taking a chocolate bar without paying is a crime regardless of how delicious that chocolate bar looked. Thus, the victim of a rape is not to blame no matter how sexy she looked. Her rebuttal? “Go tell those girls not to disrespect their bodies and I’ll tell the other people not to look at the chocolate bar. Don’t say I’m wrong and I won’t say you’re wrong.”

Rather, this is what she was attempting to say despite many spelling and grammatical errors. 

The best part of this entire conversation? I am a BURLESQUE PERFORMER! I take my clothes off on a stage in front of many people. My job is the art of tease. In order for her to even see my post, let alone comment on it, she would have had to “like” my page. As my page is set to 18 and over, and the description clearly indicates what it is I do, not to mention the post in question is on a photo in my albums; she would have had to look through several provocative poses of me to find the topic int he first place. There is very little chance she did not see what it is I do. 

So this genius of a woman went onto a burlesque performer’s page, liked it, scrolled through the photos of this performer, and then commented that women who dress provocatively are disrespecting their bodies and are hoes. 

Did you miss your exit lady? The boat left and you weren’t on it. Allow me to escort you back to oblivion. Please visit again, once you’ve found a clue. Oh, and p.s.. fuck you. 

I work very hard. I am a very genuine person. While I know I cannot please everybody I do believe in trying to keep a good balance for everyone. Sometimes though, I need time for me. I rarely get that. In fact, I get less than 3 days a month of me time, give or take, and that time is usually spent trying to fit in those I neglect while I’m so busy.

This weekend was a difficult one for me. Planning an entire show by yourself, organizing it, coordinating schedules while trying to please 16 + people, ensuring everyone has transportation, accommodation, and everything required to perform, all the while not even sure if you will break even at the end of it all.. plus I had to be IN that show and had another show the next night in another city.. it’s very difficult. All worth it of course, especially when you hear from your performers and from the audience that they were happy and think you did a great job.

During this time though, I somehow have managed to upset someone in ways I sincerely do not understand. It only made things more difficult having to juggle my confusion and emotions with the pressure of everything else. The confusion has left me quite emotionally and intellectually drained. I need to take time to revisit things, understand what is going on and if possible, why. I have to do some inner self searching. 

We all know how much I love my social media, but it seems to have contributed somehow to this confusion and I will unfortunately need to unplug for a while to avoid distraction and possible further confusion. Shut the fuck up works well I hear, so that is what I will try for a bit.

Cheers all, talk soon.

I have learned from my experiences that there is no certainty in tomorrow, so you should not worry about it. Worrying about anything is a waste of time, it serves no constructive purpose. Worry only prevents the clear focus and enjoyment or at least acceptance of the present. Worrying will not change an outcome or even prepare you for it. The best you can do is acknowledge possibilities and if need be, plan for them. 

Everything has always worked out one way or another for me. I go forward with that mentality.   A good friend of mine told me that everything happens for a reason and you need to consider that reason might not be about you. Sometimes you find yourself in a situation where you can’t see the benefit or how you can learn from it. Keep your mind open because maybe you are in that situation because someone else needs you to be there. 

I do not know where I will be in five years from now. I hope I will be in 5 years! If possible, I would like that I am financially comfortable and advanced in a way that I am pleased with. If not, like I said, I am where I should be and trust I will be in 5 years from now as well. 

Don’t mistake this for complacency. While I believe everything is for a reason and things always work out, that does not mean I don’t work hard for what I want, drive ahead at full speed and throw my everything into what I want. I always get what I want through hard work and dedication! (Some have mistaken this statement to means certain things they can’t possibly mean, so to be clear and avoid confusion, people are not things that can be possessed, so when I say I always get what I want I do not mean people)

What motivates me is simple: I am a mom. I have life that is not my own depending on me for guidance. My survival skills are how she will mold hers, whether that be emulating or aversion, her choices rely heavily at this young age on mine. Not only my choices, but how I chose those decision and how I learn from them. 

My goal is to give her the survival skills she needs to make it successfully through this fucked up, crazy life with (hopefully) minimal damage. She will face adversities. I can’t stop them all. For the ones I can’t prevent, she needs to know how to deal. 

Great question, thanks!!

I do not celebrate Valentines day. While I do enjoy receiving gifts and am absolutely in love with the idea of being in love, loving another and being loved, I do not support a corporate holiday that involves doubling the price of regularly priced items on any day other than this. 

If you love someone you should always show it. Gifts don’t equate love, but of course are lovely gestures. If you want to buy a gift you do not need a specific holiday to do so. If you are going to chose one day a year only to celebrate your love for another, choose your anniversary, where you can get the same dinner or gift for a normal everyday rate, which will end up likely being half the cost compared to Valentine’s day. 

I won’t frown upon you if you do choose to celebrate Valentine’s day, nor will I be upset at you if you choose to wish me a good day. All I ask is that you treat me everyday the way you would on Valentine’s day, or don’t treat me at all. I’m worht consistent love and so are your loved ones. 

Please remember this on Valentine’s day when you are sending out your wishes. 

Thanks, and have a great regular day, love everyday!

xxx

Me. 

“The fact that a term like “slut” even exists in modern western society is already a failure of the system. It serves no other purpose than to shame its target into submission to an unapologetically patriarchal system which demands that women not only fulfill the generally accepted ideals of male desire and beauty, but also shoulder the onus of their moral responsibility. The fact that any human being should be expected to carry the weight of an entire society’s basic ethical compass is inherently ludicrous, and to burden our young women(or any person, for that matter) with the potential guilt of everyone they may possibly encounter is to deny them even the most basic rights inherent in human life. And this is what a word like ‘slut’ does. It says that you no longer have the power to define or express who you are. You no longer have the agency to speak on your own behalf. You don’t even belong to yourself any more. You are the property of anyone who takes a fancy to you, and if you don’t like that, well too bad, sweet cheeks. You asked for it.” - a very intelligent person.

..are not. At least not to me. 

The sexiest part of the human body IMO:

The Brain. 

The Spine.  

The Guts. 

Other things may attract me, but without those first three, the attraction will surely wear off. 

I’m not interested in being a heartless bitch. 

“Being a Heartless Bitch isn’t about stepping on other people, or reality TV-style sabotage antics. Its about working hard for what you want, and knowing when to stand up for what you deserve. Its not about demoralizing others; its about self-empowerment. Its not about being arrogant; its about displaying your confidence and intellect as a badge of pride. Its not asserting any inherent superiority or self-entitlement, but recognizing your own self-worth and value.”

Well played. I’m in.

“You already were.”