I’m not sad that its over. I’m happy it began. You came into my life at a time when I’d lost all hope. I was sickened at the thought of any form of relationship and had given up on men or the idea of satisfaction in general. But you showed up and I learned that it is possible. It can exist. You taught me that. I learned so much from you and I saw what you learned from me. Even in the bad times, there was so much to appreciate and learn. What we shared was something unlike anything else out there and you are exactly what I needed exactly when I needed you in my life. I take comfort in believing that I was undoubtedly the same to you. You cannot fake what we shared, not even the best thespians could do that.

You were the only man on this planet that lifted me to the clouds, and the only man on this planet that I gave myself to fully. I don’t regret a thing. I will always be thankful for us, and I will always be thankful for you. Now I know what real love is, and now I know what I want it to be.This is all your fault. I will never lose the smile I have at the memory of what we shared.

I hope you know how sincere I am when I say this to you.

Thank you.
Sincerely.

Its no secret how I feel about the neighbours. The ones downstairs are useless by any stretch of the imagination, but the ones upstairs are the reason I am moving. I’ve had to ask them to keep it down almost daily around my kid’s bedtime. In fact, they are so loud on a constant basis that the people downstairs think it’s me! The sad part is, I’m so aware of how loud it is that I have been living as quiet as possible to be sensitive to the people below me. That is, until they went crazy and had a hissy fit with me for things the people upstairs were doing. The boiling point is having my door pounded to be yelled at by this douche who thinks he’s the second coming.. 

The woman upstairs (yes, the one that vomits daily) sent me a flood of texts about how upset she was that I was moving and how she thought we were friends, and I was ignoring her.. on and on.

Firstly, I haven’t seen the chic to be able to ignore her, so she’s delusional there.  Secondly, friends? Really? I thought she was alright but it isn’t like we hung out frequently or talked often.. They are so impossible to live under. It isn’t like I haven’t tried to be accommodating. I have switched bedrooms with my child, I have changed her bed time to be more consistent with their schedule, because let’s face it, she won’t be able to sleep anyway.. I’ve asked them, I’ve told them, I’m now done being nice. I am leaving. Fuck it. 

The thing is, new little scratched keep appearing on my car. Coincidence that their kids are always playing around the cars.. not that it is deliberate but it is something I do not want to happen anymore. So I parked on the street. They assumed I wasn’t home and talked about me all night.. checking frequently for my car to see when I would get home. Its really sad how much I can hear. This is not me listening to hear things, this is just normal. I hear everything. She obsessed about me all night and finally said “I give up, she’s obviously not coming home. Where do you think she is?” and on…and on…

Unbelievable. 

It gets better. I just want you all to know that. Especially those of you who have been through it. The abuse.. the assault… rape.. 

You were forced into being a victim, of that you had no choice. But now you do.. you survived, you have the power! You get this choice. Continue to be a victim, or choose to be a survivor. You have the choice. Admit it. It happened. Say it out loud. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Hiding it will not make it go away. You can sweep dirt under a rug, but you’ll trip over the bump while trying to ignore it.. you know it won’t go away. It happened. 

Admit it. Say it out loud. It gets easier each time you do it. You’ll see. 

It gets easier.

So does life. 

Trust me. 

I know.

The other day, as we usually do at the office, a coworker and I were having fun joking around. Up until recently, we were a 2 person operation on this front line. We’re now 3 with a new supervisor. My coworker is Punjabi and I am Blackfoot. We often joke around together about my being red and her being brown. The new super informed us that she is very sensitive to this kind of talk and asked us not to speak that way. 

A few days later, when I mentioned I was going to see Big Bad Voodoo Daddy in concert, she told me she had seen a poster for that and wondered where the band got off calling themselves that as they were not black.

How does saying that I am a redskin when my ancestry is Native, or my coworker saying she is brown (as that actually is the colour of her skin and there is hardly anything wrong with her saying so) offend but saying a group of men cannot use a term because they are white? Something is incredibly off here.

You know when you offer something to someone and they turn it down, but instead of just saying no thank you they give you a long tale about why they have to turn it down? You know in your heart they are lying, and you just don’t understand why they can’t just say “Hey, thanks anyway” instead making up a long story….

Then a few months later that same person comes back asking for help and they’ve completely forgotten the story they told you, and expose themselves as the liar they are. And all you can think of is “I knew it!”

That JUST happened.

They say that if you kick a dog it always still come back. I am not a dog. 

I’ve been through enough and I’ve decided to move on. It wasn’t the plan I’d hoped I’d have to take, but a giant window has opened right at my decision to close a door, and that is all the sign I need. The space is smaller, but future looks much bigger and brighter. I’ve allowed enough suffering for those who are unappreciative and selfish. 

I’m moving on. My Paradise awaits :)

For several months I’ve been told a certain person is not so great. When I accidentally said something that appeared I agreed with the one telling me these things, I was thought of as callous and ugly on the inside. My intention was never to offend, but the party involved was feeling sensitive about it and it appeared a lot worse than it really was. I wanted to say look, I can’t read your mind and know you’re feeling sensitive about it, or that you’d had a change of heart over this person. I have no way of knowing these things, but regardless I told the party involved that I can see how it looked and why it would upset and I am sorry. I explained what I’d meant but the hurt from having my integrity attacked in defense of someone I’d been led to believe wasn’t so great persisted. When I tried to explain this, it all came out wrong. Unlike me, I couldn’t find the words and stumbled over my point until it became about something completely not the point. Embarrassed, I just chalked it up to me being a chick and needing reassurance. What a stupid thing to do on my part. First, there isn’t anything wrong with needing reassurance, especially when it’s on such an incredibly rare occasion that I request it, but secondly I didn’t even get my point across and it left both parties of the conversation frustrated. I’d thought we’d passed it and that I could just forget it and move on, but the other party wasn’t done being pissed off at me and has since taken to pointing out their disdain with everything else I have done since then. I was accused of being childish, irrational, and making drastic reactions.  I can see based on my stupidity with giving up on what I really wanted to say, how it would appear that way. But the delivery of these attacks on me were all in the form of someone being exactly what they are accusing me of. They also were delivered at a random point of day that just happened to coincide with something else major going on in the form of my neighbours pounding on my door and screaming at me for some trivial bullshit I actually had nothing to do with. Very bad timing. 

I don’t want this person not to feel, I don’t want them not to be able to express themselves. I just wish they could do it without attacking me. I just wish they could realize that what I said is not the entire issue; if this person wasn’t feeling bad for other things, my offenses would hardly appear to be offenses at all. Instead, I am left subject to every move being questioned and my being insulted as a result of that person’s opinion of the situation. I could just ignore it, but the person means a lot to me for one, and for two the attacks come when I least expect them. Hard to ignore something you can’t see coming. If I try to explain my side I am accused of trying to shift blame. I sincerely cannot win in a battle I never chose to fight. So I decided to turn off my social media so I can focus on other parts of my life, ie I need to find a new place to live. When I did that, the result was the drastic reaction accusation. So, what else can I do?

I’m failing at life whether I try or not.

I’m a person who has feelings too. Hurting them because you are unhappy won’t fix anything. No matter what you feel I’ve done, that is not how to get your point across and it is not how you solve things.

How do you verbalize to someone that you’re terrified to make a mistake? The misunderstanding was cleared up. The conversation allowed that person to understand that what they thought was someone being deliberately inconsiderate was very unintentional. The person was allowed to say sorry for their thoughtlessness and was forgiven. But prior to the chance for a defense, a punishment by retaliation in the form of hurtful words was delivered harsh and left a lingering sting still felt now. When the air was cleared for the one party’s side, the other party was still hurt not only by not having been given the benefit of the doubt that they feel has been earned; but by the very painful blow delivered.

 So, while this person treated guilty until proven innocent is no longer viewed as the criminal, the punisher still doesn’t understand that they caused pain too. 

If you punch someone because you thought they deserved it, then found out they didn’t, would you not say sorry for the hit?There may still still be a black eye and possible scars.

The hurt party remains hurt while the other party now feels better.

Tears are still flowing from this entire scenario.

But how do you verbalize that now the other party has said they feel better and moved on?

I first met Tanya when we were 3 years old. She informed me we were going to be friends and I didn’t really have much choice. That was always her way. Tanya was a go-getter. We were very close for many years through adolescence throughout our teens. We lost touch after high school but I thought of her often. Several times I tried to find her but no one I asked was able (or willing) to be helpful. It wasn’t until this past year that her sister got in touch with me saying Tanya had been asking about me and she had been updating her with what she knew via Facebook. I thank you for that very much Crystal. 

I’ll never forget all the silly things that would be meaningless to others, but are great memories for me. Times of childhood ridiculousness to rebellious teenage debauchery. Oh what things kids will do when unsupervised..  

She lived on the outskirts of town and we’d often pull all nighters and sneak out after dark. Of all the things to do.. I remember us dancing in the middle of the night, in the middle of Highway 11!! Singing Spirit int he Sky at the top of our lungs. We were completely sober. 

Tanya had a glowing personality and one of the brightest smiles I’ve seen to this day. She possessed a wicked sense of humour that kept us laughing uncontrollably for hours.  She was also incredibly beautiful as I remember her, and a lot more intelligent than she ever got credit for. She really was dealt a crap hand in life and I struggle to bite my tongue less I ruing a period of mourning for those who “loved” her. I’m just thankful she had her sister.

We may have grown apart after high school but you were still on my mind. I pray you finally found the peace you never had on Earth my friend. 

xxx

I wasn’t a wise monkey :( 

I’ve always done for others. Looking back on my life I am trying to think of the things I have done for myself. 

I quite smoking when I was 20 and with the money I saved I wen ton vacation to Cancun. First vacation, as well as the last one I have ever taken. I went with the guy I was dating at the time. While there he told me I should be careful how much I enjoyed the cuisine because he didn’t want me to get fat and he left me at the airport in Toronto when we got back because I had gone through customs first. We lived in North Bay at the time. It was March..back when we still had winter in March. 

I moved and went after my desire to be a stylist. That’s a career choice though, not a splurge of any sort so I suppose this doesn’t count. 

I bought clothes! Mind you… this was because I had lost a lot of weight and nothing fit me anymore.. most of the stuff I had before that was donations..  ok this doesn’t count. 

I am often guilted about my Burlesque..I would say that would be something I did for me. But that too is a career choice and it generates an earning, so no that does not count either. 

I have done nothing for myself in 14 years. Everything I do is for others, and most are not worthy of it. The only one who truly is, is Kitten. Given that I try my best to be fair, honest, and sincere, and that is often taken for granted or unappreciated, I think I’m due. 

I’m going on a vacation. Fuck it. 

The answer to this is in my blogs. 

Being sick all week, returning to work despite my still feeling horrible, playing catch up.. and today has to be the day of irate customers yelling at me about shit that went down while I was home sick! One even decided to go as far as send a nasty email asking where I got my education, insulting my intelligence, calling me ignorant and insisting she is superior to me.. over what? She did not like my signature.. the one the bosses wrote. Apparently I’m just being moody though, all of this in combination isn’t anything to put anyone in a downer mood. Being under a microscope doesn’t help much either. 

Yeah.. today can fucking die. 

A while back I posted a screen shot of a discussion that triggered a debate. It was the one about letting your daughter go out with boys who are drinking if she looked like a slut. The point of it all was that we should not be blaming the victims.. Recently a woman decided to post her opinion about how women should not dress provocatively, and are equally responsible to not entice men to rape them, because “nobody likes a hoe.”

I responded by telling her she had done women an injustice by calling another woman a hoe, that just because she didn’t like how a woman was dressed did not make the other woman a lesser being. I said it was better to just say she didn’t like what she saw or to look away, but to insult her because she differs from your liking is not the answer. I said taking a chocolate bar without paying is a crime regardless of how delicious that chocolate bar looked. Thus, the victim of a rape is not to blame no matter how sexy she looked. Her rebuttal? “Go tell those girls not to disrespect their bodies and I’ll tell the other people not to look at the chocolate bar. Don’t say I’m wrong and I won’t say you’re wrong.”

Rather, this is what she was attempting to say despite many spelling and grammatical errors. 

The best part of this entire conversation? I am a BURLESQUE PERFORMER! I take my clothes off on a stage in front of many people. My job is the art of tease. In order for her to even see my post, let alone comment on it, she would have had to “like” my page. As my page is set to 18 and over, and the description clearly indicates what it is I do, not to mention the post in question is on a photo in my albums; she would have had to look through several provocative poses of me to find the topic int he first place. There is very little chance she did not see what it is I do. 

So this genius of a woman went onto a burlesque performer’s page, liked it, scrolled through the photos of this performer, and then commented that women who dress provocatively are disrespecting their bodies and are hoes. 

Did you miss your exit lady? The boat left and you weren’t on it. Allow me to escort you back to oblivion. Please visit again, once you’ve found a clue. Oh, and p.s.. fuck you. 

I work very hard. I am a very genuine person. While I know I cannot please everybody I do believe in trying to keep a good balance for everyone. Sometimes though, I need time for me. I rarely get that. In fact, I get less than 3 days a month of me time, give or take, and that time is usually spent trying to fit in those I neglect while I’m so busy.

This weekend was a difficult one for me. Planning an entire show by yourself, organizing it, coordinating schedules while trying to please 16 + people, ensuring everyone has transportation, accommodation, and everything required to perform, all the while not even sure if you will break even at the end of it all.. plus I had to be IN that show and had another show the next night in another city.. it’s very difficult. All worth it of course, especially when you hear from your performers and from the audience that they were happy and think you did a great job.

During this time though, I somehow have managed to upset someone in ways I sincerely do not understand. It only made things more difficult having to juggle my confusion and emotions with the pressure of everything else. The confusion has left me quite emotionally and intellectually drained. I need to take time to revisit things, understand what is going on and if possible, why. I have to do some inner self searching. 

We all know how much I love my social media, but it seems to have contributed somehow to this confusion and I will unfortunately need to unplug for a while to avoid distraction and possible further confusion. Shut the fuck up works well I hear, so that is what I will try for a bit.

Cheers all, talk soon.